This is just for me

I’ve been making a short film based off a script I wrote for Film Fest this year at ACU. I’ve been delayed two years in graduating because of how lazy and indecisive I’ve been for so long. Even now, that’s still there, at times. For example, I should be either sleeping, or studying for a test tomorrow, but I’m writing this instead because I’m stuck on a thought that is just too distracting.

Anyway, two years of delay and I’m just now doing something for Film Fest after all my increasing love of filmmaking. I know a couple of people that seem to be the best thing available when it comes to filmmaking here, but I don’t think they really have very much talent for writing. I know what their movies are going to be about and it just seems like they’re trying way too hard.

It’s so weird having an opinion most others don’t share. Maybe it means I’m just biased or stupid…maybe it’s because they’re stupid. Obviously, I’d prefer not to be the stupid one.

Back to my point, I feel like the script I wrote dances circles around these other scripts I’ve been given access to and my script is just a simple, fun story about paranoia and fears coming true. I hear other people’s opinions when they see the almost finished product of my movie and they have unanimously said that they want a scream of some sort at some point near the very end of the movie. The thing is, they all are only thinking about how it fits with the traditional movie or how it’d be more realistic. I disagree because someone’s reaction is an individual reaction. You don’t always get the same reaction doing the same thing to different people.

Either way, they are expecting my film to give them relief. I don’t want to give them relief, I want the tension to stay there. They don’t get it. Unless it’s their movie, they need to not think about how they’d end a story and, instead, think of how I could better tell my story through visuals, not acting.

Now, returning to my main point again, which I’ve yet to really make. These “shoe-ins” are great, but I’m starting to get the feeling that, even as a rookie, I am the writer and director of something much better than their material. This feeling has given me two realizations:

One, I absolutely hate seeing these people who, granted, they do have great talent, but they do really silly things with the talent. Along with that, they let the praise go to their heads a little. Not so much that I dislike the person, but just enough to get under my skin from time to time.

Two, my past desire to be a film critic just wouldn’t have worked out. I want to make movies. I don’t want to just sit there and watch movies, I want to see my ideas come to life. It’s an awesome feeling. I got great people to play my characters and we had a great production team working to make this look like what I envisioned as best as they could. The knowledge that I can do better than someone who’s more experienced and more recognized is hard to sit on and do nothing about. Instead of saying that they could have done better as a film critic, I’d rather show them that I could do better and steal the praise they had been getting for myself. 

That may sound cruel, but i really don’t care. That’s how I feel. I think it’s time I start earning all that recognition I’ve been craving. I’ve been too lazy, indecisive, and scared to earn it before. Now, knowing that I can do this, I don’t have any excuse not to.

Of course, it is too early to tell who did better. Either way, I know I’m at least worth being considered. The team worked way too hard and provided quality enough work to earn that consideration.

I’m really eager to see how things work out from now on.

I gotta say, I’m tired of seeing the quote of Ricky Gervais saying, “Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re in the right.” That’s not a trump quote. Yeah, some people are offended by weird things, but saying what Ricky Gervais is telling them isn’t going to change how they feel.

That quote is something you say when you don’t want to try to enlighten someone, it’s something you say when you want to make them feel inferior or not worth listening to. No one is going to see that quote and then re-evaluate their feelings and views. They’re going to see it and read it as, “You are wrong. That’s all.” That is a pointless way to deal with someone being offended.

If someone’s offended and you have the opportunity to figure out why, then figure out why. Don’t just ask about their view with the goal of saying that all their points are wrong. If someone is offended, you need to come to an understanding with them, not tell them they are wrong for being offended.

There are different degrees to sticking to your views. You don’t have to give them up to be decent in response to someone’s being wrongly offended. No one is incapable of learning. Although some can be stubborn enough not to see the other side of things, but you never know until you talk with them further than using Ricky Gervais’ quote.

Even if they are offended at something you perceive to be unoffensive, you don’t label their feelings as invalid. You, or someone you’re a fan of, did something to upset them and they would prefer not to have the feeling of getting stepped on. Telling them what Gervais says is basically turning around and stepping on them a second time and then rubbing the sole in their face for a good ridiculing factor. Talk to them. Be considerate and recognize that the sensitive areas for people vary from person to person.

I’ll admit, I don’t always do this myself, but it’s not something that I should be okay with doing. People have made this quote into some sort of sign of pride in their not caring if people are offended. 

Why should you feel proud of not caring about how people feel? You don’t have to change who you are or stop doing what you want to do (unless you are doing it with the sole intent of pissing people off), but you can go about dealing with criticism in a much better way than using this quote

My Little Brother

Is a dick. He dicks around dickily. He smells kind of like vinegar. I think he may be a pickled dick. When he talks, you are technically hearing a quofe (that’s the dick version of a queef). Since he doesn’t shower very much, the vinegar smell mixes with gross, unclean body smells. He doesn’t penetrate happy things. Rather, he is always found stuck in the grossest of things. Things like pig ass. He always asks me to get him unstuck from all those pig asses. I’m sick of pulling this dick out of pig asses! My little brother has the worst odor in the world, but it’s compounded with the stank coming from the pigs. I have to endure it at least once a month. I don’t have the slightest clue how he manages to get stuck in pig asses so much. You always know when he’s coming up around the corner, because you don’t hear the typical footsteps of a normal, human person. No! You hear the flop-flop of the giant vinegar dick of America in all it’s patriotic glory. It’s gotten to the point where I am immediately on the verge of tears just hearing any flop-flop sound at all, no matter how patriotic the thing is that’s making the flop-flop sound. Along with the flop-flop sounds, there’s an incessant wheezing from all the flopping he’s been doing. You see, he gets very little exercise and he has terrible reflux, so he’s always short of breath. I’m surprised this flopping, stanky, patriotic dick is still alive and pledging allegiance.

Something

I haven’t posted here in quite a while. I suddenly felt like writing out some things.

I used to view my family as a safe zone. I was terrified of everyone else. Now I have no safe zone. I discovered what I perceive to be dissent there. That semi-discovery led me to remembering life in my childhood.

I found out in first grade that I had ADHD, on the hyper heavy side of the spectrum. Before my family found out, I had already been in trouble almost daily at school for pissing the teacher off, pissing the bus driver off, pissing all the kids off, and always feeling like I let my dad down in some way when I came home. My dad is a psychologist and diagnosed kids with ADHD along with many other things every week. However, he was never prepared for being a father to a kid with ADHD. Not that it’s normally a big deal, but those first few years at school made life hell for both of us.

My dad would read one story for each of us three oldest of the family. When I had a bad day, he wouldn’t read one for me. My dad always found the punishment that hit me hardest. Sometimes that would be making me sleep downstairs when I was terrified of the dark downstairs.

He wasn’t always that way, though. We had this thing called “Frierday” where we’d set aside time every Friday just to play and have fun. It was called “Frierday” because as a young kid I thought that was what it was really called.

I also didn’t seem to get along well with my older brothers. They sometimes made a point in letting me know that I was not cool of that I was embarrassing. Yeah, we’d have fun every once in a while, but I remembering being excluded, bullied more than any fun memories. It wasn’t until around when I was 12 that remember finally becoming friends with both of them.

So I am going to school where the students and administration don’t like me, then I’m coming home to a frustrated dad and older brothers that didn’t seem to like me either.

My mom wasn’t like everyone else. She is definitely a crazy lady, but she made things feel a lot stressful for the most part.

Because of those days, I think I have come to expect everyone I meet to not like me. I never thought about it until now, but I have always been absolutely surprised when someone proved me wrong. Along with that, I have no idea, usually, how to best act around people because I am used to feeling like everything I do pisses someone off or makes them think I’m a dumbass. I’m always ready for a friend to suddenly decide they don’t want to be my friend anymore. Anyone who has interacted with me has probably wondered why I do t say anything at times in response to something. Usually it’s because I don’t think I have anything in mind that you’d think was worth hearing. I have also, recently been especially bitter toward everyone in the world and easily angered at little, unimportant things people do. I’m sure I can point out more things, but to sum up, I have trouble making and sustaining friendships.

Oddly enough, my current job, that I have always loathed, has helped in my interaction with people along with this new perspective on my past. I find that my opinions matter to people unlike what I used to suspect and people don’t dislike me.

I’ve been staying away from home because, for the most part, I still get the same feelings from my childhood when I go home. It’s helped. I have been able to look back on my life and understand better the way things were and the way things are. Not everyone in my family makes me feel out of place. While I am always concerned about disappointing my dad, he has not been nearly as disappointed in me these days so that’s a plus. However, my older brothers never fail to make me feel like I don’t matter. Sadly, the same goes with my little sister. The more I stay away from them, the more I feel like I can actually matter in someone else’s life besides my own.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to write this out here on tumblr. I guess I wanted let people important to me and who follow me on here to understand why I have been weird, angry at stupid things, or whatever you saw in me that made me distant. I still don’t know how to get past most of it, but it’s nice to understand now. Thanks to anyone who read this.

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