I haven’t posted here in quite a while. I suddenly felt like writing out some things.
I used to view my family as a safe zone. I was terrified of everyone else. Now I have no safe zone. I discovered what I perceive to be dissent there. That semi-discovery led me to remembering life in my childhood.
I found out in first grade that I had ADHD, on the hyper heavy side of the spectrum. Before my family found out, I had already been in trouble almost daily at school for pissing the teacher off, pissing the bus driver off, pissing all the kids off, and always feeling like I let my dad down in some way when I came home. My dad is a psychologist and diagnosed kids with ADHD along with many other things every week. However, he was never prepared for being a father to a kid with ADHD. Not that it’s normally a big deal, but those first few years at school made life hell for both of us.
My dad would read one story for each of us three oldest of the family. When I had a bad day, he wouldn’t read one for me. My dad always found the punishment that hit me hardest. Sometimes that would be making me sleep downstairs when I was terrified of the dark downstairs.
He wasn’t always that way, though. We had this thing called “Frierday” where we’d set aside time every Friday just to play and have fun. It was called “Frierday” because as a young kid I thought that was what it was really called.
I also didn’t seem to get along well with my older brothers. They sometimes made a point in letting me know that I was not cool of that I was embarrassing. Yeah, we’d have fun every once in a while, but I remembering being excluded, bullied more than any fun memories. It wasn’t until around when I was 12 that remember finally becoming friends with both of them.
So I am going to school where the students and administration don’t like me, then I’m coming home to a frustrated dad and older brothers that didn’t seem to like me either.
My mom wasn’t like everyone else. She is definitely a crazy lady, but she made things feel a lot stressful for the most part.
Because of those days, I think I have come to expect everyone I meet to not like me. I never thought about it until now, but I have always been absolutely surprised when someone proved me wrong. Along with that, I have no idea, usually, how to best act around people because I am used to feeling like everything I do pisses someone off or makes them think I’m a dumbass. I’m always ready for a friend to suddenly decide they don’t want to be my friend anymore. Anyone who has interacted with me has probably wondered why I do t say anything at times in response to something. Usually it’s because I don’t think I have anything in mind that you’d think was worth hearing. I have also, recently been especially bitter toward everyone in the world and easily angered at little, unimportant things people do. I’m sure I can point out more things, but to sum up, I have trouble making and sustaining friendships.
Oddly enough, my current job, that I have always loathed, has helped in my interaction with people along with this new perspective on my past. I find that my opinions matter to people unlike what I used to suspect and people don’t dislike me.
I’ve been staying away from home because, for the most part, I still get the same feelings from my childhood when I go home. It’s helped. I have been able to look back on my life and understand better the way things were and the way things are. Not everyone in my family makes me feel out of place. While I am always concerned about disappointing my father, he has not been nearly as disappointed in me these days so that’s a plus. However, my older brothers never fail to make me feel like I don’t matter. Sadly, the same goes with my little sister. The more I stay away from them, the more I feel like I can actually matter in someone else’s life besides my own.
I don’t know why I felt compelled to write this out here on tumblr. I guess I wanted let people important to me and who follow me on here to understand why I have been weird, angry at stupid things, or whatever you saw in me that made me distant. I still don’t know how to get past most of it, but it’s nice to understand now. Thanks to anyone who read this.